Friday, December 5, 2008

~ Will it Ever End ~

::sigh:: So I woke up this morning and examined myself in front of the mirror.  No itching and no additional hives, welts, or spots.  Good deal.  I smiled as I remember I was going out for a bit with my son before he had to go to work.  Maybe a little shopping, maybe a little picture taking.  I had a spring in my step.
I went and tested my sugar.  I know the routine of my sugars lately with the steroids.  High, high.  Two booster insulin shots, and then it levels out.  Before bed it goes high again.   The start of the day was no different.  Gave myself the booster, took my meds, ate breakfast and started to read some journals and mail as I sipped on my coffee.  It wasn't long into the morning that my phone rang.  It came up restricted.  Hmmmmm  I answered and it was my primary Dr.  Must be calling from his private office line. 
So, he got the results from the doppler tests I had done on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  The one that registers blood clots came back good.  No issues.  The other one.  Well, I wasn't so lucky.  I have serious issues in both legs.  He set an appointment for me to go to a vascular surgeon.  My appointment is on Tuesday evening.  Looks like I will be scheduled for an angiogram and depending on the results stents could be put in my legs to open up the circulation.  If that happens I will most likely be kept over night.  When I asked if it was nerve damage instead what would be the next step he replied with, 'we'll address that if it comes to that.'   I had a brave face and voice with the Dr but inside I was losing control. 
I hung up and broke down in tears.  Why is it 3 steps forward 7 back?  I feel like I can't get better and with each thing I get the worse case scenario.  I was in tears and sobbing talking to my son as I canceled our plans.  I was in no mood to get dressed let along go out.  He reminded me if it was in fact the worst case scenario I would not be here.  Smart boy, ok young man.  It's just so hard to feel so good and look forward to getting better only to have such a road block thrown up. 
I'm scared of this.  I know I have numbness etc in my left foot, but don't feel any issues in my right leg or foot at all.  How could this all happen in such a short span.  My Dr feels that maybe I'd have the diabetes for awhile with no notice of it.  It's not uncommon he said.   I haven't had that kind of blood work in awhile.  Not to test sugars I guess.  ::shrugging::  You know I will be paying much more attention these days.  I just fear it's going to be nerve damage and then amputation, then...........  
I can't get that fear out of my  head.  The fear of how much disability I will be on, for how long.   I know my health comes first and I will do nothing to keep me from getting healthy.  Just hard to think past all the other issues that arise.  Makes me wonder how long will this go on, how many more things will be found?
I want to clarify that my Drs are great.  I know previous entries may have eluded to them not being.  I am a 'want answers now' type person.  Patience is not one of my best characteristics.  I want it now.  Ya know?  I have gone to the internet and some forums but I've decided that answers and information there just send my head into a tizzy and I get the worst possible outcomes causing me to freak more.  I will just take it step by step, day by day.  I will try to be positive and move forward.   I can't change the direction anyway.
Is it easy?  Hell know.  I've cried several times today.  My son stopped over a bit after our call to make sure I was ok and let me tell you a hug goes a long way.
He has to work a bit in the morning tomorrow but he will be coming after work and we will go out.  A little shopping and maybe some pictures.  We've been getting some snow today so hopefully the trees will be covered in white and I can relax behind the camera.  Have at least something feel like 'my life.'
So........... everyone heard the verdict and sentencing on OJ I'm sure.  I don't want to get into if I think he was guilty 13 years ago or not.  I just find it hard to believe that child molesters are getting less time then he is for this offense.  Does he belong in jail, well of course (my humble opinion) but you are telling me the sentence of up to 33 years and min of 9 years does not have something to do with paying back for the acquittal 13 years ago when sex offenders are getting max of 2 years?   They say what goes around comes around...  but is this how our judicial system is suppose to work?  K.. 'nuff on that.
I've gotten way behind on blogs.  Damn I looked before doing this entry and I have over 150 to get to.   I will make my rounds this evening and tomorrow morning.   I hope everyone is doing well.   I do want to thank you all for the support, good wishes, and friendship you've all showed me ............


Lisa said...

Awwwww hon, I sure hope you feel better soon, and yes I do'nt think OJ's sentence was long enough, Hugs Lisa

Big Mark 243 said...

I don't know what all to say ... I really do wish that I could do something for you. This is such, such a trememdous time for you.

My heart and my thoughts will be with you, Donna.

Chris/cacklinrosie101 said...

Oh, D, I just feel terrible for you. I'm betting if they stent the artery in your leg, the numbness, etc. will totally go away. It's not unusual for other arteries to be clogged when the heart's are. Once you had your bypass, your blood starting flowing through your body efficiently so the other smaller problem areas are showing up. It's just too much at once for anybody to absorb, especially since you had no warning at all. But stay away from the internet because so many things have the exact same symptoms. You will drive yourself totally nuts. And listen to that son of yours. He has a very wise head on his shoulders. You know you have many prayers coming your way. Love you...

Linda said...

I am so sorry that these "road blocks" keep happening. I will make sure to keep you in my prayers. Linda

Teresa said...

((((((((((just huggin' you up))))))))))) Blessings and Prayers** Teresa

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad your son showed up at the right time. Here is a virtual hug coming your way HUGS :o)

Linda Brown said...

I am so sorry about your problems with your legs now. Hopefully you will not have to have surgery. You need lots of hugs right now. thanks for all the tags.
Love to you!

Darlene said...

OMG D, just when it sounded like things were getting a bit better for you, now this!! I'm so sorry that you're going thru this misery and worry!! Just as your son said, really D, there's a reason why you're here, ya know? We may not understand the why's of your situation at hand, only God knows, but there's a reason for everything. You'll be in my prayers as always hon. I can't imagine what you're going thru, don't really know what to say that will ease your mind of all the things running thru it, so I'll just Pray for you and wish you everything wonderful, cause you deserve it!!
As for OJ, I'm with you all the way! He has to live with himself knowing the true events 13 years ago..
Hope you have a peaceful night, tomorrow's a new day..

gina said...

ok...sending another hug your way. and the important thing here is to take care of yourself and keep the diabetes under control. following a diet and exercise will pretty much do that for you and will eliminate many of those things you are worrying about. being educated and staying on top of things is important and i think you are taking those steps already. hope this helps. hugs again! :)

Allison said...

First of all ((((((Hug)))))) for my friend. I wanted to be able to hold you while reading this. You will be ok, and you have to believe that straight from the heart. I know it isn't easy on you, and it will continure to be tenuous but you WILL come out of all of these health issues on top of the world. You are a very strong, loving, and caring person. I always say this and I'm going to say to you hear and now, be positive and stay away from being negative . . . negabivity is a drain on the soul. Stay sweet, don't fret, smile and enjoy each and every second as it comes. Have a happy weekend, you hear? : ) Luv ya Donna! Cassie) said...

I am so sorry..

Astaryth said...

It IS frustrating... but better to know what is going on and deal with it. Still, it would be nice to get good news, huh? I'm glad your Son is taking such good care of you though! Hang in there, you are getting stronger and someday this will all be a memory!

moshell's lilbit of space said...

You are in my prayers D...always.

I agree about OJ, but I am kinda glad he will be doing time. thats my opinion.

Martha said...

That news sucks! There's no getting around that - but just remember what you've been through already, you've done the hard part - the rest is just getting things back into working order.

I understand your frustration, but try not to worry yourself unnecessarily. Stress and worry won't help anything. Stay strong my friend! Try to be patient as had as it is.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers (((Big hugs)))

Bridgett said...

So I've been thinking about this for a little while now. And here's what I've come up with....

If I were in your shoes, I think if things were going to go wrong/need work etc., I'd just want to get it all out now. You're already out of work from the heart isn't better to get the angiogram and whatever follows done now, rather than waiting until you're right in the midst of 'living again' and having to take more time off?

Am I making sense? LOL

I feel like that was very confusing.

I'm just one of those people that wants to get everything out of the way at once so I can get back to everything else that's important to me.

When you'd mentioned about your foot, it made me wonder whether the diabetes had been around longer than you'd known.

Do you know if the doctor has done and A1c (bloodwork)? That will tell you what your blood sugars have been for the last year. Might give you some insight as to whether the diabetes was there prior to the heart issues. Just a thought.

I wish you well, my friend. Keep us updated and enjoy your day with your son tomorrow.


MISSY said...

You have every reason to be afraid. I probably wouldn't being doing as well as you are right now. I know that it wouldn't change the outcome but have you considered asking for something to help you with your anxiety? I take Klonopin and it has worked wonders for me. It doesn't make me loopy or anything either.

Please take the best care of yourself. Do everything the doctors tell you to do and keep yourself as healthy as possible. I know you are terrified of what could happen but this is a crucial time.

I'm praying for you Donna.
Love and Hugs *MISSY*

P.S. I see your point with the O.J. trial. (But he got what he deserved) ;)

Joyce said...

Sounds like a crappy day Donna. My mother would tell you "don't borrow trouble". I know it's hard not to think of the worse thing but try to wait and see what the tests show. {{{{{Donna}}}}} a big hug for you.

Maria said...

Boy, oh boy... will it ever end? This is a good question. You have been through so much already. Enough is enough. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. So happy that you have your loved ones around you and that they are a strong support for you. Hugs, Maria

PS-My opinion about O.J.
Well,in my eyes he had a second chance...which not many people can say that they did get a second chance in life...and what I've heard out of the media, he was living a wild life and in my eyes he did not learn a thing out of his past. He got what he deserved.

sheri said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that you have more on your plate to deal with. Have yourself a good cry when you need too.
I totally agree with you about O.J.
It's just too bad they didn't get him the first time around.
I have a Marie Antoinette award for you over at my journal. I know you have one, but this is my first and I wanted to share..
You've got a wonderful son!
Many hugs and prayers coming your way,


Donna you will be in my thoughts and prayers. The angiogram is just like the heath cath except the catheter is in a differnt position.

Big hugs sent to you


Joann said...

Donna, I'm so sorry, I sure hope you are feeling much better and have everything cleared up very soon!!

Linda said...

Donna, my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you. Heaven knows,one day at a time is the very best way to deal with our overwhelming realities ... it makes things a tiny bit easier to handle. I wish you strength and an abundance of love to help you through ... things will be better one day SOON! Thank goodness the hives are nearly gone ... what a relief that must be! :o) May you be blessed with a beautiful day!

Peace & Hugs~

Jeannette said...

Oh Donna, I'm sorry you have these extra problems to deal with and I'm so glad Steve is being so supportive. They have done a lot to you and messed with the circulation in your legs. Keeping them raised higher than your heart each day helps so lay down with them up on pillows for a while ~ boring I know but it worked for me when I had ulcerated legs a while back. Also laying on the bed with your legs up the wall helps, sounds funny but it does!Poor circulation is the bane of my life, too long at the computer and my legs are so numb and painful. Your doctors sound very thorough, I'm glad they're doing so much for you. I'm sure you're going to get through this, it's early days yet and you've come so far. I hope you get your snow pictures, can't wait to see them~ I'd rather look at other peoples' snow than see my own thanks! Lol! Take care and you know you're in my prayers forever! Jeannette xx

Jeanie said...

Dear Donna,

You have a lot of very wise friends reading your journal. I cannot add any more to their well meaning good intentions and concerns for you. You are going through a very hard time and it's understandable that you are thinking..."what next"?
You are a strong woman and nothing will knock you back for long.We are all with you in spirit and want only a quick return to your good health in the quickest time possible.
I hope you enjoy your photoshoot in the snow and your meal out with you lovely caring son. Take heed of him as he is a very wise young man. That has a lot to do with you you know.
Take care and feel better soon.
Jeanie xxxxx

Jan said...

Dear Donna oh my dear friend you do sound down and no wonder ,Im sure the out come will be good ,you have been well looked after thus far ,I pray all will be well for you soon ,did I say what a lovely man your son is ? Jan xx

Adirondackcountrygal said...

Donna, I am so sorry about the news. I hope they can fix you up and your diabetes becomes under control. My Mom is not doing well due to her diabetes and is having problems with her legs too. Heart also probably..

Jeannette said...

Sending you much love and big hugs Donna. Try not to be afraid, that does not help, I know. Fear only makes things seem worse. We are frightened of the unknown but often we worry for nothing. Glad you have such a supportive son.

Joan said...

Dear Donna so sorry you have taken a backward step today you must stay positive so you get well I am sure everything will settle soon. Will be thinking of you an keeping you in my prayers. Love Joa

Lisa said...

So sorry to hear you have more procedures to go through. Will be sending you good thoughts and keeping you in my Prayers.
Take care of yourself.

Leslie said...

Hi hun, *hugs* Ty soo much for the update ;) Im so sorry though to see now there something going now with ur legs ;( My gosh hun you have been going thru enough :( I will be praying hard for you Tuesday and let us know when you can how that testing goes. My heart just broke reading that you cried :( You had every right to be upset you poor thing. I dont blame you for not being in the mood to go out after that news you heard ;( Oh hun i wish i had better comforting words. But i have faith i do. I know God will help you thru this. You have to believe that too. Im praying for u hun. I dont blame you for being scared i
really dont. In way i can get where your coming from with the diabetes. My mom has it and my brother is borderline as well. my moms health has been decreasing. its so hard for me to see her like this ;( Im glad you have good drs. it sounds like they are. Oh hun i can get about the patience issue i have none either lmao. Im so glad your son came by and just hugged you. You have a wonderful son hun. No comment on the OJ thing. Grr i really just dont like that man. Well hun take care. Hang in there best you can. Hope you have a better day. ttys. Love yah, Leslie

lisa jo said...


i pray for you every single day. I believe with all my being that prayer helps. TRULY.
You and i are ALOT alike. If i was going thru what you are going thru, i would feel as you do. You are an independent strong and strong willed lady and this has thrown you and scared you so. The doctors WILL help....please TRY to not worry about amputation. They will put the stents in and that will relieve things and they WILL get your sugar regulated and you WILL get better. Your family will support you as i will. I believe it when the doc said you had the diabetes and did not know it. Millions have it and do not get tested and then BOOM, all this stuff happens!! SO SCARY. I have a friend who had stents put in her legs, her groin and her heart...she is healthy today. She is on a shit load of meds BUT healthy.
if you need me, i am always here for you.
Oh, and OJ is going to prison TOTALLY because of Nicole and Ronald. I believe that. I heard that anyone else with his record and age would have gotten probation. This is judicial pay back.

Ally Lifewithally said...

Donna so sorry to hear your news ~ I have always been one to look on the bright side of anything ~ Having had Cancer twice and come out on top ~ I am sure the prayers that came my way helped and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers ~ as I know many more are as well ~ Ally x

Debbie said...

I believe anyone who has been thru what you have would live in fear each time they notice something different, I know I would. It seems with any medical issue it's always wait and see and it seems like it takes forever to get down to addressing the issues. I'm so glad you have your son to give you support he has done wonders for your spirits I'm sure. I think I would tend to stay away from reading about the medical issues on the internet too, it would only serve to add to your anxiety. Sending you lots of hugs and love.

Terri said...


I swear when it rains it pours!

First of all your son is such a sweetheart, you did a great job raising him!

I am so sorry your are going to have to go through all of this with your legs grandad has had alot of trouble with his veins/circulation...has had stents put in etc... I'm afraid if I don't get myself on the right track and get healthy I will be in the same my right leg aches and throbs occasionally and my ankles swell as well as my feet...and sometimes tingle..I am on a water pill(lasik) I think they call it..have been ever since i had to be put on BP meds..for the swelling in my feet and ankles... I just hope I never have blockages. I am glad you have great Dr's....I know it's hard to think for the best...but please try to stay positive and not think about amputation..I have a feeling after will be on the road to a full recovery and feeling 100% better soon! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always! Sorry I wrote a

Love ya!

Karen said...

My daughter said the same thing to me today. She said, "Mom you sound like you need a hug and a glass of wine." I first, please! lol

Londonpussycat said...

(((((((((((( Donna))))))))))))))
Sorry to hear about your set back.
Take each day a step at a time..... the whole fact that you are here with us is a miracle in itself so after having gone through such a serious operation these 'other issues' are just minor hurdles on you way to complete recovery.
Hey Girl........ i know that somewhere inside of you there is a fighting spirit waiting to get out.... take it easy....little by little.
Hugs Jayne

Beth said...

Donna, I hope you will try to focus, as you said, on taking things one step at a time, and not getting stuck in worst case scenario mode. We all tend to worry about this and that happening, and it often doesn't occur, so we've wasted that time and energy fretting about nothing!

I know that your health issues aren't "nothing," believe me. I just hope you can zero in all that energy on the things you need to address, and then go from there. I know these setbacks are discouraging, but keep fighting, hon!

Hugs, Beth

ADB said...

I'm sorry you're having one health problem after another, Donna, but knowing you (to some extent), you'll just keep on going. It'll hopefully level all out come the New Year.


Julie said...

Oh Donna, I am so sorry. I know you must be very worried. I am sending my prayers that you get through this without any problems and are good to go after this.

Missie said...

Keeping you in my prayers.

This is just a little set back!

Kathy said...

If this makes you feel any better (lol) I have over 700 blog entries in my google reader. I think I'm in over my head. LOL!

D, I know this news is distressing for you so I'm simply going to send a virtual hug your way {{HUG}} and tell you that better days are ahead.

Tabby said...

I am sorry to hear about your set backs. I pray for strength for you to see this through. It is ok to cry let it out, you have been through so much. I hope to hear good news.

Pamela said...

Hi Donna, I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I will be keeping you in my prayers that everything will be ok.
Thank God for your wonderful son! You raised him right D.
Luv ya,

Bethe said...

I'm going to ditto what Chris said. Try not to get too discouraged, hun. You've got good doc's, you just have to let thme take control for a while. It's hard not being able to control what your body is doing, but you'll get through this.

Hugs and blessings....

Gerry said...

So sorry to hear of the trouble in your legs possibly due to undetected diabetes. Yes, you must feel like more than a little rain has fallen into your life, more like a flood, but I want to say I will be thinking of you and sending prayers as you have urged prayers for your sister especially. My sister lost her pancreas ten years ago, and she is a walking miracle to the doctors thanks to her vigilance in exercising as well as restraining her diet. She has to have the max in insultin shots plus max in enzymes. She just got off a week long trip to her daughter's by plane and said she was fine. Her husband is struggling with stents in his legs. I know people in here who have had stents 3 times. I hope you have been able to give up smoking, and that is not easy. I do wish you the very best, and I am sure that every journalist who has enjoyed one of your beautiful graphics in her blog will understand if you are never able to get to her blog. First things come first. You have paid your dues. Gerry

Joyce said...

Oh my, sending many hugs and prayers your have got to get better soon...and you will you!!!