~ Better Days ~

Yeap, better days....  I do hope they are ahead.   Yesterday I arrived at the hospital for my procedure, though scared and nervous I felt confident things would be ok and I'd be leaving either late Wed night or first thing this morning all fixed up.   Not to be............

The procedure started smoothly.  I was awake and talking.  I felt a pinch here, a pinch there in my leg/groin area.  At some point they moved to my arm.  Not real sure exactly when as things are a bit foggy.  What isn't foggy is the end result.   They could not do any stents.  It was basically a bust.  The blockage is not where they thought it was, but higher.  More in my abdomen.  The main artery and were they break off to go to either leg. This is not going to be an easy fix.  Instead they will be doing another bypass.  Major surgery.  Apparently several things were contributing factors.  Family history, being a woman (who have smaller arteries), having smoked, and previous radiation.  Radiation causes things to shrink and I knew that but never in a million years did I suspect my arteries.  Lisa, I saw your comment from yesterday.  Tell your friend from work, ok?  If they already know that is the issue with her foot maybe they should go one step further and make sure.  Makes me nervous to think she could experience this down the road.  I'd not wish this on my worst enemy!!

So back to recovery.  I was a wreck emotionally.  My son hugged and kissed me.  Talked very confident and tried with all his might to calm me down.  Since they went in my artery I had to wait a few hours before I could go home.  Yes and home I came.  I had a board attached to my arm to keep it straight.  Virtually no pain, maybe just a bit discomfort.  My heart was broke though.  Emotionally I am drained and I'm not sure I can handle any other setbacks.  My son made me promise I'd not give up and try to be positive.  I will try, but let me tell you it is not easy.

So......... the surgery.  My doctor from yesterday wants to consult with all my doctors.  He feels we should wait a few months and let me get stronger.  I am waiting for a call from him to see what direction we will go in.  In the meantime he will put me on a blood thinner to try and help with the discomfort in my foot/leg.

I am now scared of what they might find when they go in.  Seems it's always something bigger/worse then what they anticipated to begin.  ::sigh::

I will most likely go back to work after the holidays.  Work has been great and will definitely work with me if I need to work from home for a bit.  I will take them up on the offer if need be so no worries on going back to soon.

The holidays have me a bit emotional too.  I feel like I've done nothing to contribute and it's eating at me.  My one sister is out shopping and has picked up a few things for me as well.  I just need to have something wrapped and under the tree.  Yes, I know no one cares, but I do.

I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and support.  I also appreciated the emails from those that went and got a brief update on my sisters blog.  She is definitely a gem!!

So I am trying to stay positive and keep my chin up.  I will also do my best to try and keep up with you.  It's just been so hard and I feel so very bad!   OOOOOOOOOOoohhhhhhhhhhhh and I did get Christmas cards, thank you!!   Love you all.  I know I didn't share my address with a ton of folks, damn time just flew by with all that's been going on.  Know good thoughts and vibes are being sent your way.

Hugs

~d

~ Will it Ever End ~

::sigh:: So I woke up this morning and examined myself in front of the mirror.  No itching and no additional hives, welts, or spots.  Good deal.  I smiled as I remember I was going out for a bit with my son before he had to go to work.  Maybe a little shopping, maybe a little picture taking.  I had a spring in my step.

I went and tested my sugar.  I know the routine of my sugars lately with the steroids.  High, high.  Two booster insulin shots, and then it levels out.  Before bed it goes high again.   The start of the day was no different.  Gave myself the booster, took my meds, ate breakfast and started to read some journals and mail as I sipped on my coffee.  It wasn't long into the morning that my phone rang.  It came up restricted.  Hmmmmm  I answered and it was my primary Dr.  Must be calling from his private office line. 

So, he got the results from the doppler tests I had done on the Friday after Thanksgiving.  The one that registers blood clots came back good.  No issues.  The other one.  Well, I wasn't so lucky.  I have serious issues in both legs.  He set an appointment for me to go to a vascular surgeon.  My appointment is on Tuesday evening.  Looks like I will be scheduled for an angiogram and depending on the results stents could be put in my legs to open up the circulation.  If that happens I will most likely be kept over night.  When I asked if it was nerve damage instead what would be the next step he replied with, 'we'll address that if it comes to that.'   I had a brave face and voice with the Dr but inside I was losing control. 

I hung up and broke down in tears.  Why is it 3 steps forward 7 back?  I feel like I can't get better and with each thing I get the worse case scenario.  I was in tears and sobbing talking to my son as I canceled our plans.  I was in no mood to get dressed let along go out.  He reminded me if it was in fact the worst case scenario I would not be here.  Smart boy, ok young man.  It's just so hard to feel so good and look forward to getting better only to have such a road block thrown up. 

I'm scared of this.  I know I have numbness etc in my left foot, but don't feel any issues in my right leg or foot at all.  How could this all happen in such a short span.  My Dr feels that maybe I'd have the diabetes for awhile with no notice of it.  It's not uncommon he said.   I haven't had that kind of blood work in awhile.  Not to test sugars I guess.  ::shrugging::  You know I will be paying much more attention these days.  I just fear it's going to be nerve damage and then amputation, then...........  

I can't get that fear out of my  head.  The fear of how much disability I will be on, for how long.   I know my health comes first and I will do nothing to keep me from getting healthy.  Just hard to think past all the other issues that arise.  Makes me wonder how long will this go on, how many more things will be found?

I want to clarify that my Drs are great.  I know previous entries may have eluded to them not being.  I am a 'want answers now' type person.  Patience is not one of my best characteristics.  I want it now.  Ya know?  I have gone to the internet and some forums but I've decided that answers and information there just send my head into a tizzy and I get the worst possible outcomes causing me to freak more.  I will just take it step by step, day by day.  I will try to be positive and move forward.   I can't change the direction anyway.

Is it easy?  Hell know.  I've cried several times today.  My son stopped over a bit after our call to make sure I was ok and let me tell you a hug goes a long way.

He has to work a bit in the morning tomorrow but he will be coming after work and we will go out.  A little shopping and maybe some pictures.  We've been getting some snow today so hopefully the trees will be covered in white and I can relax behind the camera.  Have at least something feel like 'my life.'

So........... everyone heard the verdict and sentencing on OJ I'm sure.  I don't want to get into if I think he was guilty 13 years ago or not.  I just find it hard to believe that child molesters are getting less time then he is for this offense.  Does he belong in jail, well of course (my humble opinion) but you are telling me the sentence of up to 33 years and min of 9 years does not have something to do with paying back for the acquittal 13 years ago when sex offenders are getting max of 2 years?   They say what goes around comes around...  but is this how our judicial system is suppose to work?  K.. 'nuff on that.

I've gotten way behind on blogs.  Damn I looked before doing this entry and I have over 150 to get to.   I will make my rounds this evening and tomorrow morning.   I hope everyone is doing well.   I do want to thank you all for the support, good wishes, and friendship you've all showed me ............

Hugs

~d