~ Berry ~

That would be 'berry' cold.  I took this picture several days ago.  It's the tree in my backyard.  I was actually looking out the window and saw the hint of color among the ice and could not figure out what I was looking at.  Instead of putting on my glasses I grabbed the camera with the zoom lens.  There were a few berries left on the tree branches covered in ice. 

The temps have gone up and down here and today, once again we are getting arctic air.  It's a whole 11 degrees and with the wind we are well below 0.  It could be worse.  Yes, yes it could.  I've seen some temps in MN and CN that are below 0 without factoring in the wind.

I had taken another picture of berries the other day with the hopes of doing an entry about being berry good.  I will use that picture later in a challenge. ::grin::  Marie you must have read my mind or something....

Anyway, things are good.  I wouldn't go so far as to say berry berry good, but they are ok.  I have good days and bad days.  My emotions are all over the board.  I'm trying really hard to level things out, but damn it is hard.  So many changes and so many things I can't do. 

The other day I was at cardio rehab.  I will start by saying for a couple days prior to this visit I wasn't feeling the best.  My foot hurts at times and my leg aches from trying to pull all the weight and compensate.  Try this for me.  Sit in a chair with your legs on the floor in front of you.  Lift your toes up towards the ceiling leaving your heel on the floor.  Can you do it?   Hmmmm I can, but only with my right foot.  Though I try with all my might to get my left foot up it won't go.  If I put my legs out in front of me instead of in a prone position I can slightly.  If my foot is off the floor I can move it, but it's deceiving as it's really only from my toe pointing to being straight.   Well, this amongst other things eats at me. 

My diet has completely changed and though I know it's good for me I have to time things perfectly.  I am eating a ton more veggies and fruits.  Did you know banana's are one of the highest in sugar?  Well they are.  If I eat one my sugar levels go wild and I have to take an insulin booster shot without fail.  I hate that!!! 

So after a rough few days I go to rehab.  Trust me it's really nothing.  In better days I would fly through the venue they have me on.  Now?  Hell, it's torture and knowing I have to go makes me anxious.  Yeap, making my sugar go up and my eyes to tear.  I can't do the treadmill.  I try.  I'm going on the lowest resistance and flat and I can only go about 3 minutes before I have to stop.  My left thigh aches and burns and feels as tho it weighs 100 lbs by itself.  I look around and there are men twice my age flying on their machine not a care in the world.  Some barely even sweat.  This is not right!  It's not fair.  The tears come.  I try to hide them but they roll down my cheeks and then I get almost to sobbing.   My blood pressure sky rockets. Off the machine to rest.  Test my pressure to make sure it goes down, try again. 

There are a few machines that are cardio but I can also work with my upper body.  A bike that has arms to move as well.  I like that one.  Believe me it's not easy but I can cheat.  I can leave my feet on the peddles and use my arms to move things.  My legs get the motion, my arms get the work.  My heart beats.  Ahhh what we want.   I go about 10 minutes or so with a total of maybe 2-3 minutes were my legs do nothing but join in for the ride.  Ok, yes I know it's not really cheating but damn I should be able to do this.

I've talked to several folks and I know this normal.  I know I should not compare myself to others as they are in different levels or there for different issues, but it is a whole lot easier said then done.  In Oct, tho I was not the healthiest person.  I could walk, talk, dance, move.  I drove myself to where I needed to go.  A little ice or snow didn't put such fear into me that I stayed at home.

Today.  Oh how things have changed.  My schedule has to be more regimented so I'm eating at the same time and having the same amount of time between meals so when I test my sugar it's not wacky.  I need to take meds in the morning, meds at night.  I know without fail each night I have to give myself a shot of insulin.  No pill for this girl!  When it snows or is icy out I am afraid to drive.  Not the driving itself, but the walking after I get to where I need to be.  My foot is numb and I definitely am not walking properly.  I'm scared to death that I will slip and not know I lost my footing until I'm on my ass!  My son is scared for me to.  I'm in Buffalo, it's Jan.  Guess what???  It's snowy and icy everyday.   My son is a saint and has taken on the part time job (most days) of being my chauffeur.  I know he is fine with it, but I am not.  I hate that I can't get up and go.  I am pretty much in my living room 12 hours a day.   Oh, less the time I'm at rehab, dr appointments, or having lab work done.  I do have the walks around my flat too.  Circle in the living room, down the hall, circle in my room and over again.  I'm trying to get that past 3 minutes at a time.  I need more then 3 minutes.

Today I'm planning on getting out and getting some weights.  I can do that, and I can do that at home.  It's not the same as cardio but it helps.  I use to have some but damn I have no clue where they are or if they are even in the house someplace.  I need to get things in gear.  My heart needs to get healthy or healthier so it can handle another major surgery.  I need that surgery to get my legs back in shape, I need my legs back in shape so I can get my heart in shape.  Vicious cycle!

I've gotten up about 10 times while typing this.  My foot throbs and I need to move to help with some circulation.  It's hell.  One of the things I love the most.  That helps my head and I can't do it.  Ohhh then the tears, then the blood pressure, then the sugar. 

Ok so it's not every day I'm in that mode, but I am more then I like.  I want the surgery to be here and over with it.  I don't want them to find yet another thing wrong with me that is going to keep me from healing and getting back on track.  Back to being me.  I go to the cardiologist on the 3rd and back to the vascular doc on the 10th.  We'll see what happens at that point.

Enough whining and complaining.  I just wanted to let you all know I'm here.  I'm doing my best to keep focused and positive.  I'm trying to stop by and let you know I do still care about your lives as well.  I do care so even if I didn't leave a comment I most likely did read.  I am hoping real soon sitting will be something that isn't painful and uncomfortable.  

Love you all and I so appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers sent my way.

Hugs

~d