Sunday, January 25, 2009

~ Berry ~

That would be 'berry' cold.  I took this picture several days ago.  It's the tree in my backyard.  I was actually looking out the window and saw the hint of color among the ice and could not figure out what I was looking at.  Instead of putting on my glasses I grabbed the camera with the zoom lens.  There were a few berries left on the tree branches covered in ice. 

The temps have gone up and down here and today, once again we are getting arctic air.  It's a whole 11 degrees and with the wind we are well below 0.  It could be worse.  Yes, yes it could.  I've seen some temps in MN and CN that are below 0 without factoring in the wind.
I had taken another picture of berries the other day with the hopes of doing an entry about being berry good.  I will use that picture later in a challenge. ::grin::  Marie you must have read my mind or something....
Anyway, things are good.  I wouldn't go so far as to say berry berry good, but they are ok.  I have good days and bad days.  My emotions are all over the board.  I'm trying really hard to level things out, but damn it is hard.  So many changes and so many things I can't do. 
The other day I was at cardio rehab.  I will start by saying for a couple days prior to this visit I wasn't feeling the best.  My foot hurts at times and my leg aches from trying to pull all the weight and compensate.  Try this for me.  Sit in a chair with your legs on the floor in front of you.  Lift your toes up towards the ceiling leaving your heel on the floor.  Can you do it?   Hmmmm I can, but only with my right foot.  Though I try with all my might to get my left foot up it won't go.  If I put my legs out in front of me instead of in a prone position I can slightly.  If my foot is off the floor I can move it, but it's deceiving as it's really only from my toe pointing to being straight.   Well, this amongst other things eats at me. 
My diet has completely changed and though I know it's good for me I have to time things perfectly.  I am eating a ton more veggies and fruits.  Did you know banana's are one of the highest in sugar?  Well they are.  If I eat one my sugar levels go wild and I have to take an insulin booster shot without fail.  I hate that!!! 
So after a rough few days I go to rehab.  Trust me it's really nothing.  In better days I would fly through the venue they have me on.  Now?  Hell, it's torture and knowing I have to go makes me anxious.  Yeap, making my sugar go up and my eyes to tear.  I can't do the treadmill.  I try.  I'm going on the lowest resistance and flat and I can only go about 3 minutes before I have to stop.  My left thigh aches and burns and feels as tho it weighs 100 lbs by itself.  I look around and there are men twice my age flying on their machine not a care in the world.  Some barely even sweat.  This is not right!  It's not fair.  The tears come.  I try to hide them but they roll down my cheeks and then I get almost to sobbing.   My blood pressure sky rockets. Off the machine to rest.  Test my pressure to make sure it goes down, try again. 
There are a few machines that are cardio but I can also work with my upper body.  A bike that has arms to move as well.  I like that one.  Believe me it's not easy but I can cheat.  I can leave my feet on the peddles and use my arms to move things.  My legs get the motion, my arms get the work.  My heart beats.  Ahhh what we want.   I go about 10 minutes or so with a total of maybe 2-3 minutes were my legs do nothing but join in for the ride.  Ok, yes I know it's not really cheating but damn I should be able to do this.
I've talked to several folks and I know this normal.  I know I should not compare myself to others as they are in different levels or there for different issues, but it is a whole lot easier said then done.  In Oct, tho I was not the healthiest person.  I could walk, talk, dance, move.  I drove myself to where I needed to go.  A little ice or snow didn't put such fear into me that I stayed at home.
Today.  Oh how things have changed.  My schedule has to be more regimented so I'm eating at the same time and having the same amount of time between meals so when I test my sugar it's not wacky.  I need to take meds in the morning, meds at night.  I know without fail each night I have to give myself a shot of insulin.  No pill for this girl!  When it snows or is icy out I am afraid to drive.  Not the driving itself, but the walking after I get to where I need to be.  My foot is numb and I definitely am not walking properly.  I'm scared to death that I will slip and not know I lost my footing until I'm on my ass!  My son is scared for me to.  I'm in Buffalo, it's Jan.  Guess what???  It's snowy and icy everyday.   My son is a saint and has taken on the part time job (most days) of being my chauffeur.  I know he is fine with it, but I am not.  I hate that I can't get up and go.  I am pretty much in my living room 12 hours a day.   Oh, less the time I'm at rehab, dr appointments, or having lab work done.  I do have the walks around my flat too.  Circle in the living room, down the hall, circle in my room and over again.  I'm trying to get that past 3 minutes at a time.  I need more then 3 minutes.
Today I'm planning on getting out and getting some weights.  I can do that, and I can do that at home.  It's not the same as cardio but it helps.  I use to have some but damn I have no clue where they are or if they are even in the house someplace.  I need to get things in gear.  My heart needs to get healthy or healthier so it can handle another major surgery.  I need that surgery to get my legs back in shape, I need my legs back in shape so I can get my heart in shape.  Vicious cycle!
I've gotten up about 10 times while typing this.  My foot throbs and I need to move to help with some circulation.  It's hell.  One of the things I love the most.  That helps my head and I can't do it.  Ohhh then the tears, then the blood pressure, then the sugar. 
Ok so it's not every day I'm in that mode, but I am more then I like.  I want the surgery to be here and over with it.  I don't want them to find yet another thing wrong with me that is going to keep me from healing and getting back on track.  Back to being me.  I go to the cardiologist on the 3rd and back to the vascular doc on the 10th.  We'll see what happens at that point.
Enough whining and complaining.  I just wanted to let you all know I'm here.  I'm doing my best to keep focused and positive.  I'm trying to stop by and let you know I do still care about your lives as well.  I do care so even if I didn't leave a comment I most likely did read.  I am hoping real soon sitting will be something that isn't painful and uncomfortable.  
Love you all and I so appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers sent my way.


Jan said...

Dear Donna ,your journey back to health is a hard one ,even harder because you have always been an independant ,capable ,perfectionanist sort person ,you will be again but not maybe as quick as we all hoped ,however prayers are beibng said for your complete recovery ,and there is power in prayed ,Your berry picture is lovely Ya Jan xx

Joyce said...

The photo is lovely and I am sure you are working your way back slowly...but you will get back to yourself soon. Sounds like you are staying busy and that your recovery is building up your strength. Many hugs and love you...

Bridgett said...

Oh D. It's so good to hear from you in this capacity. I know how much you love blogging and I hate that I never see entry alerts pop up from you anymore. :(

I think about you a lot and I hope you know I send well wishes every single day.

All I can say is 'hang in there.' This too shall pass.

Much Love,

Lisa said...

Awwww Donna, always good hearing from you, you are in my thoughts, Wishing you good luck with your upcoming appt, Hugs Lisa

Astaryth said...

It's so hard when we feel like our own bodies have turned against us... sigh! But, you already know the important thing. That you WILL get better. It just takes time. AND, it's not surprising that you have days that you feel a little down. Just Remember that 'This too shall pass!" It's what I tell myself when I get down about anything. Hang in there. Spring (and a healthier you!) are on the horizon!!

Amanda said...

(((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))))I am glad to hear your recovery is comming along,even thoe you hav good and bad days.


You have been in my thoughts and prayers ..hopefully your health will improve. I lost the feeling to my left leg after my 2nd back surgery ...when I first came home from the hospital I could not put my socks on ..I am feeling better but still have no feeling in my left leg ...I never know when my left leg will give out and then I fall ...before my last surgery I was walking one hour a day ..6 days a week ...Hopefully I will be able to get strength in my leg.

Big hugs sent to you Donna

Beth said...

Donna, can you ask your doc about finding someone for you to talk to? Almost like a grief counselor does after people lose a loved one. No one has died, thank goodness, but it sounds like you are grieving all the same...maybe grieving the loss of your mobility, confidence, etc.? I would think that something like that might help you with coping strategies for when you feel overwhelmed. I hate to hear that you get so frustrated at times that you cry. I bet there are techniques you can use to help you get through those times, to help regulate your emotions more. Maybe give it a try and see what your doc says...?


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Hope you can get things to an even playing field, preventing the swings. Remember, slow and steady. Hugs :o)

Big Mark 243 said...

I agree with Beth ... I would think someone as strong as you and as independent would not want to put your fears on your family, but someone on the outside who can you can tell and offer good, solid advice would seem to be of some use to you.

Rooting for you!

Melissa said...

i hope u can get better and do the things u want to do again

Indigo said...

Beth said what I was thinking, I seem to be parroting her a lot these days...not a bad thing at all *winks*. I know it's not the same thing hon; but with my deafness I had to finally break down and get therapy. You've lost a major part of what is familiar to you, just as I lost hearing.

It is a form of grieving, a feeling of loss. In time (I know right now that's got to be the most over used word given to you..) you will finally learn what you need to do to get better, heal, and find some semblence of normalcy.

In the meantime maybe keep a small hand journal, or blank pad nearby you. When you feel like crying, try writing your emotions out on the page. There is something to be said to physically (which is what you do when you write, pen your thoughts)expunge whatever is going on in your head. No one else has to see those notes you write yourself. Over time you might feel inclined to share them.

I have several pads of these thoughts all over my home. Grief will only last so long dear one, take so much before you gain control of your life once again.
I hope you know here, among your family...You are loved for no other reason than you. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers on the smoke dear one.

Love you! (Hugs)Indigo

Maria-K. said...

Hi D :)
What can I say? I know you are a very independent person and I am sure I can understand how incomplete and insecure you must be feeling. After all..... your mind is a total different part from the rest of your body parts ... they do not want to function the way you want them too and the way your mind tells you what you want and should be able to do. It is hard to accept the restrain that your illness puts on you.
It all will take time. I know patience is a hard virtue. But I am certain, with time, things will get better. So, hang in there... I know you will and I know you will give your best.
I am wishing you more good days than bad ones. Enjoy the good ones.
-You son is a gem!
Maria Cassie) said...

I love the berry picture.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You deserve a good cry every now and again. You are working hard, and doing everything you can do to get well, and I for one am proud of you. That takes courage and determination.
It sounds like you have a wonderful son and family to help you. Let them help out. I am sure you would do the same if it was them.
Be kind to yourself and take care.
Hopefully when Spring gets here things will be lots better..

Linda said...

Getting well after such a major surgery is difficult. You are such a fighter though, that I am sure you are going to get there! I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Linda

Chris/cacklinrosie101 said...

Aw, D, I don't want to even begin to smile but the reason I do is because I know in my heart I would be as frustrated as you are after that surgery. You are so right about what people are telling you. Those guys are much further along in their healing and months ahead of you. There is still a hell of a lot of stuff my BF can't do. He still persists and ends up flat on his back for days.

Once this stupid weather breaks, your mood may lift because then you will get out and not have to worry about falling. You will get things straightened out in due time.

Yep, you could walk, run, dance, eat everything you wanted in October but were a time bomb ready to explode. You will heal and one day this will all be just a bad memory. I believe this in my heart. Love you :)

Yasmin said...

Getting back to full health is going to be a long jouney and I'm sure you will persevere, although right now it must be very frustrating, keep going you have a strong spirit.
I agree with Beth is tere not someone you can talk to outside of the family, it might help.

Great poto

Take care


Jeannette said...

It's so good to see a post from you again Donna although the news isn't too good yet. It's going to take a long time to heal and be able to do all the things you took for granted. I know Steve doesn't mind being your chauffeur so never feel a burden to him, he must be happy he can make a difference in your life now and help you out ~ I know you'd do it willingly for him! I know what you mean about the discomfort and pain when sitting, I had it when I had ulcerated legs. I'd sit here typing until I wanted to scream with pain. Good luck with your appointment next Tuesday. Don't worry if you can't do as much as some people, you're all at different stages of recovery ~ in a while there'll be people who can't do all you can!
I'm not journally much right now, I've had Andy in hospital again last week. I started a New journal here. Take care of yourself, remember spring is round the corner and you can get out for some great walks then! Jeannette xxxx

Leslie said...

Hun, *HUGS* I was soo happy to see entries from you. I have missed you so much. I have been wondering, praying for you, just thinking of you. First of all i loved the pics as always. There so beautiful. Your cam takes amazing crisp pics. 2nd my gosh the weather there geez way too freakin cold. You poor thing. Thats enough to deal with on top of everything else. Im so sorry its been so tough for you all the way around. I can only imagine how frustrating it would be not being able to get around on your own. However I know your very grateful for your son helping with you and taking you where to need to go. Hun all the aches and pains you have to deal with daily. Your dieting, exercising too, im so glad things are going pretty goos with that. except the working out, oh hun you poor thing that treadmill sounds tough :( Wow hun just so much you have to deal with. I really admire you. You are being strong best you can and moving fwd everyday. Keep your faith best you can hun, keep your chin up. I know for sure there is definetly a light at the end of this tunnel for you. I know your fighting like hell to get thru all this. You will i know you will and you are. I really pray the next doc visits go well and you get to have your surgery soon. I am here for you if you need anything ok? Im always thinking of you and sending so many prayers your way. Love yah hun, Leslie

Nelishia said...

I want you to know I hear your frustration and your sadness. I want to echo the sentiments of everyone that mentioned about the grief and I can personally attest to how journaling works. Vent rage and scream in one. This journey will take a while and that is frustrating beyond belief. Keep on moving as much as you can. I love you so much and I appreciate how sweet you've been to me as long as I've known you these last couple of years.
Love and prayers,

Robyn said...

You have been on quite the journey since October hun and I would say considering all your body, mind, and heart have been through and the changes that have came you are one strong, amazing woman! On the same note I can honestly tell you I hear your frustration because I know myself well enough to know that I would feel the exact same way! You are in my thoughts and I hope your recovery keeps moving in the right direction and you are able to get to a happy, comfy point in your life again. Hugs to you!

Robyn said...

Forgot to tell you GREAT picture also! Thanks for sharing

Darlene said...

Oh D, so sorry to hear of your recent health issues. Life is so unpredictable isn't it?! One day you're on top of the world and the next thing you know, your life is changed forever. Just keep going one day at a time chicky. We are all on your side, rooting you on. I pray that you can recover soon and that all of this will be a thing of the past. Love you hon, take care and take it easy!!

Hollie said...

Oh Donna,
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. Know that it will get better in time. I know that your son doesn't mind helping you at all... I also know it's hard having to depend on someone else when you are so used to taking care of everything & everyone else. It's okay to need to be helped....but I know it is so hard. I will continue keeping you in my thoughts & prayers!

Love ya!

Maria said...

Hello, Donna! I used to say to my daughter, Jasmine when she was sick to remember she has Jasmine medicine inside of her that will help her get too Donna have the Donna medicine to help heal you. Stay strong, hang in there. I know this is hard..but every day there will be a gains and things to celebrate! You put in quite an entry this day with wonderful photos and also your inner thoughts and music too! Let the Donna medicine work it's probably your best bet! THink of you and wishing you happiness and quick healing! ----Maria from the Little Things.

MariesImages said...

I am glad your out & about. Just don't over do it, it will take time.
You accomplished a lot today with your photo outing, you got some beautiful shots.
Hugs & Prayers being sent your way~

Missy said...

The berry picture is 'berry' pretty. okay.. that was berry cheesy.. did it at leat make you grin?

Take your time Donna. At this point, it really is one day at a time. You'll get better but it's going to be a slow process.

Love ya!


Joyce said...

I see that several people mentioned getting someone to talk to about your feelings and your frustrations Donna. I think that is a really, really good suggestion. You are so missed here in Blogger Land. I love your photo of the berries too. I think about you so often and pray for your recovery.
Hugs and lot's of love, Joyce

lisa jo said...

I am SO very proud of you and how far you have come even if you have so many more miles to go. I can not imagine what you have endured or are going thru but i KNOW you will come out of this feeling better and being an even stronger person. I wish i was with you to help you. Please come here and talk to us. I love you so.

Jeanie said...

I read your alerts back to front and am just reading this one now. I'm so sorry that you are feeling frustrated and low my friend. I can empathise with you at being frustrated at wishing yourself better soon. My cancer gave me a lot to blub about too at the time. It's something that we have to come to terms with and realise that some things take time. Just as it did when we were tiny tots? It took us time to learn everything.. so too will it take time to build up your heart muscle again. The day will come when you will look back and thank god all this frustration is well behind you. My prayers are always with you and being said each night.
You are doing exceptionally well already. My husband took three months to recover from his heart attack and he didn't need an operation like you although he had to take the insulin injections three times a day for all that time. He no longer needs it. Maybe that will be so with you?
I hope so!
Hang in there! You are surrounded with well wishing and prayers from all your friends.
Jeanie xxx

Penny said...

I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you, but keep going! You are making progress even if it feels slow. Thank you so much for posting to let us know what's going on. I'll be here cheering you on. Hugs & blessings, Penny

Shelly said...

Hi D. I'm glad you are staying focused and positive. Still praying for you to get well. keep up the good work with taking care of yourself. Love ya!!

Bethe said...

HI D-Yes, I've taken a litle break from reading and journaling. as I read your entry about your rehab disappointments, I too, thought that you really need to talk in a support group. Or as I see above, you have lots of people here who have gone thru something similar.

Hang in there sweetie, do the best you can, and if the tears come, it's all ok. People understand.

hugs, Bethe