~ It's Time ~

 

Yeap, it's time for the pretty flowers to peek out of the thawing gardens and show their beautiful colors to welcome spring, but that isn't what I'm talking about.  It's time for me to pull on my 'big girl' panties and move on.  I've been told over and over how strong and positive I've been through all this and I guess to a point I have been.  What everyone doesn't always see is the tears rolling down my cheeks.  The 'feel sorry' for myself as I lay on the couch being uncomfortable.  How I want my life back.  I want my hobbies to be interesting to me again.  I want to enjoy the next six months and not miss it like I have the last six.  I barely log on anymore.  Well, to clean out my mailbox but even then so much just gets deleted.  That is not me.  I miss everyone but have had no get up and go when I'm here.  It's not like I'm busy doing anything.  Hell, I've watched repeats of daytime TV.  How sad is that?  I use to be 'don't leave home without it', my camera that is.  Now?  I barely pick it up.. well until recently.   I've decided to move forward or change my interests but  sitting on my ass doing nothing is not for me.  I've been given a second chance and I need to embrace it!

It's also time for an update.  I know many of you have visited my sister for updates as well as welcome her to blogville.  She is so enjoying herself and I couldn't be happier that she is getting into this and I so appreciate you following her and taking her under your wing.

So me?  I'm really doing ok.  Much better.  I have another incision that starts from the bottom of the last one and goes right to my pubic bone.  I have two small ones on either leg, maybe 3-4 inches from the top of my thigh and into my groin area (or there abouts.)  Those are the ones that hurt the most, but are doing much better now.  I am now able to get into my jeans and the rubbing at my belly button and when I sit is minimal.  I've recently been cleared for more activity and I've been riding my stationary bike for about 20-30 minutes every day.  I'm not a speed demon by any stretch but I can do it with only leg power and I don't have to stop.  Walking is something I can do too.  My left foot is still numb and swells at times but the pain is mostly gone and I can walk for more then 1-2 minutes now.  That is a good thing!  We are not sure about the foot.  It could take 6 months to a year before we know if it will come back, or if it won't.  I have to learn to be happy with what I do have, but damn walking with a drop foot is not fun nor pretty.  Work?  I can go back May 5.  I'm excited, but then on the other hand wonder why.  LOL  I love my job and the people I work with but I'd love to be rich and not have to worry about it.  Ok, so we all think that way... it's just not the case with me right now :)

So these are new pictures.  They were taken Easter Sunday.  Ohhhhhhhhhhhh and I hope everyone had a good holiday.. whatever you celebrate.  Mine was good.  My sister cooked dinner this year.  Breakfast was put on hold because my Dad had knee surgery and was being moved from the hospital to the rehab center in the am and it was just easier for my Mom to do dinner with us.  He, by the way is doing good.  Great actually.  He is hoping to be home next week.  Time will tell.  I keep telling him and my Mom not to rush it. 

Easter was good.  Bug and Gage were there and enjoying themselves.  Bug offered me some of her candy and I told her no.  I had to explain why I couldn't eat sugar.  It was a good 15 minutes of back and forth conversations and when it was all said and done her response, 'sounds to me like you have a candy problem.'  Out of the mouths of babes!! 

So there you have it.  A little update.  I am going to try to be here and on facebook a little more.  I've been dabbling with tags and hope I'll have an offer and soon.  I do hope everyone is well.  I will be doing my best to get by soon.  I promise!  Love you all.

hugs

~d

~ Peeking In ~

Ok, pick yourself up and brush yourself off, yes an entry from me.  I thought I'd peek in and let you all know I'm doing ok.  I so appreciate the cards, letters, gifts and trinkets.  I love and appreciate them all.  I have made a few entries along the way letting you know I'm alive... but when I'm not in the mood to pick up my camera or make a post you know something is wrong.  Tags?  OMG! I have a few from before but I don't have the desire to offer or tag 'em right now.  I've just been blah.  The pain has been a pain and I really can't sit at the computer for long.  My emotions always get the best of me as well and it is just easier not to.........  I know most of you understand and don't hold it against me...  for those of you that just don't get it and have emailed me, know this.....  I don't care.  I won't ever be back to your blog, your email is now blocked and I will remove comments if you leave any.  I don't have time to play your games and this will be the last on the matter.  You know who you are, you already read the 'f you' mail.  This is not a ploy to leave comments, so don't feel it necessary.  I've already told the guilty parties to take a freakin hike!

I am filled with all kinds of emotions.  I'm nervous, anxious, hopeful, scared, excited, you name it I feel it.  I am trying to stay positive and for the most part am.  I'm nervous about  not waking up and those that have been around for a bit know that is the norm for me.  When I had my dental work years ago I feared the same thing... remember?  I don't believe it is my time, if it was I'd have been taken last time, right?  Needless to say it does weigh on you.  Having time to think about it doesn't help either.  I will be having my surgery on Tuesday morning.  It's a pretty serious surgery and I will be kept in ICU (intensive care) for at least one day.  My recovery in the hospital will most likely be 7 days and then I'm out.  If I feel up to it I will come directly home.  If I need to, I will go to my parents.  Trust me I won't push anything. 

I know many of you read my sister, or stop by and look at times.  I appreciate it and want you to know she will post updates so you are all informed.  Feel free to add her to your list.....   she'd love your visit either way trust me!

Ok, my leg is completely asleep and I need to move and then change position again.  Please send a good vibe that Tuesday is successful and I'm back in no time.  I wanna be me again!

Love you all and hugs

~d

~ Better Days ~

Yeap, better days....  I do hope they are ahead.   Yesterday I arrived at the hospital for my procedure, though scared and nervous I felt confident things would be ok and I'd be leaving either late Wed night or first thing this morning all fixed up.   Not to be............

The procedure started smoothly.  I was awake and talking.  I felt a pinch here, a pinch there in my leg/groin area.  At some point they moved to my arm.  Not real sure exactly when as things are a bit foggy.  What isn't foggy is the end result.   They could not do any stents.  It was basically a bust.  The blockage is not where they thought it was, but higher.  More in my abdomen.  The main artery and were they break off to go to either leg. This is not going to be an easy fix.  Instead they will be doing another bypass.  Major surgery.  Apparently several things were contributing factors.  Family history, being a woman (who have smaller arteries), having smoked, and previous radiation.  Radiation causes things to shrink and I knew that but never in a million years did I suspect my arteries.  Lisa, I saw your comment from yesterday.  Tell your friend from work, ok?  If they already know that is the issue with her foot maybe they should go one step further and make sure.  Makes me nervous to think she could experience this down the road.  I'd not wish this on my worst enemy!!

So back to recovery.  I was a wreck emotionally.  My son hugged and kissed me.  Talked very confident and tried with all his might to calm me down.  Since they went in my artery I had to wait a few hours before I could go home.  Yes and home I came.  I had a board attached to my arm to keep it straight.  Virtually no pain, maybe just a bit discomfort.  My heart was broke though.  Emotionally I am drained and I'm not sure I can handle any other setbacks.  My son made me promise I'd not give up and try to be positive.  I will try, but let me tell you it is not easy.

So......... the surgery.  My doctor from yesterday wants to consult with all my doctors.  He feels we should wait a few months and let me get stronger.  I am waiting for a call from him to see what direction we will go in.  In the meantime he will put me on a blood thinner to try and help with the discomfort in my foot/leg.

I am now scared of what they might find when they go in.  Seems it's always something bigger/worse then what they anticipated to begin.  ::sigh::

I will most likely go back to work after the holidays.  Work has been great and will definitely work with me if I need to work from home for a bit.  I will take them up on the offer if need be so no worries on going back to soon.

The holidays have me a bit emotional too.  I feel like I've done nothing to contribute and it's eating at me.  My one sister is out shopping and has picked up a few things for me as well.  I just need to have something wrapped and under the tree.  Yes, I know no one cares, but I do.

I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and support.  I also appreciated the emails from those that went and got a brief update on my sisters blog.  She is definitely a gem!!

So I am trying to stay positive and keep my chin up.  I will also do my best to try and keep up with you.  It's just been so hard and I feel so very bad!   OOOOOOOOOOoohhhhhhhhhhhh and I did get Christmas cards, thank you!!   Love you all.  I know I didn't share my address with a ton of folks, damn time just flew by with all that's been going on.  Know good thoughts and vibes are being sent your way.

Hugs

~d

~ Elfin ~

My niece stopped over Sunday and picked me up to take me to her Mom's (my sister's).   Yeap, still not allowed to drive :(   Eight weeks is next week so keep your fingers crossed.   They were making Christmas cookies and preparing to watch the Buffalo Bills blow yet another game.  Good gaawd maybe I jinxed them way back when they were 4-0.  Either way they've laid a huge egg and now are the laughing stock of the league... ok maybe not that bad but.......  Sunday was fun.  Both Gage and Bug were having fun being in the Christmas spirit.  Bug, once again had to check on me several times to make sure I was ok.   I do think once I pulled out the camera she let out a sigh of relief.  'Aunt Donna is back.'   LOL 

I went to bed last night as the snow fell.  They were calling for a rough drive this morning.  I was thrilled I didn't have to get up for work and my sister prayed for a snow day.  It's not just the kids that hope for schools to be closed because of the weather.   She wasn't that lucky.  There is snow out there and they are stating now that the temps went up we could get freezing rain.  We'll see.  Just need to make sure I get to the hospital as planned.

::sigh:: speaking of the hospital.  I am scared to death.  I know I've been through some tough things and this should be the easy part, but trust me I am still nervous and scared.   So many things go through your head.  I was feeling very confident that I'd be home tonight, but a visit to my primary doctor yesterday said otherwise.  I had to visit him to get clearance after all my tests.  He didn't want me thinking I'd be home and then be disappointed if I wasn't.  He didn't feel it would be the procedure itself.  He thinks that will be fine and will fix the issues with my foot.  He just feels that since I'm not having it done until 3 in the afternoon they may keep me overnight.  I guess going in thinking that is probably better.  Does make me feel better or make me happy, but I'm preparing for the stay.   If you don't hear from me later give me a day or so......  

I do hope this works.  I'm in some pain and it is extremely uncomfortable.  No position is good.  Laying, sitting, standing.  I can't do any for any length of time.  Sitting at the computer can be brutal.  I've tried to stay current with entries but it never seems to be possible to sit and read all... forgive me.  With any luck at all this will fix the issues and allow me to sleep an night without constantly waking up and having to get up to'walk it off.'  Hopefully I can walk without a limp and actually get some much needed exercise in.  Taking a few steps and then having a pain and tired feeling in my leg is frustrating as all get out.  I feel like I'm carrying a good 70 pounds of dead weight.  Sitting, feet up or feet down, not happening.  My foot and lower leg throb within minutes.  I pray this works. 

Well, off to get a shower and pack a bag.  I do hope I'm home this evening but if you don't hear from me expect an update tomorrow.  My sister has been blogging and she may update, not real sure but you could stop by anyway :::giggle:::

Hugs to you all and again thank your for your friendship, love and support.  The prayers and good vibes are also so appreciated. 

~d

~ 'Tis the Season ~

My sister is a 'Saint', she spent some time this past weekend getting the decorations and tree up. Mind you it's not as festive as it has been in years past but at least the decorations are up.

I'm a bit bummed about the holiday this year. I've done nothing. I've purchased not one gift. Not one! I know I will get out and get a few but this Dr appointment today threw a monkey wrench into things.

Besides being scared to death about what the next step is, it has more then likely taken my recovery time and pushed it out even further. I thought maybe the numbness would get better, but to be honest I think it's getting worse. The past several nights I've woken up to soreness in my ankle and my thigh. I couldn't lay there so I'd have to get up and walk around. I have no idea what is in store, but based on my primary doctor it appears more surgery. Another stay in the hospital. Trust me I want to get better, but I have a fear of being under and this time it is no different.

My appointment is at 5 pm, and no doubt I was pushed in for today. That in itself is a bit scary. Good vibes sent my way would be appreciated. I know I've asked for a ton, but ....... thanks :) I'll definitely stop by later and give an update... 'les of course they force me to the hospital right away.

Hugs
~d

~ What day is it? ~

... better yet what time is it?   Seems everything just runs together...  ::sigh::  I'm doing ok.. but having a bit of a time adjusting.  I'm not sure exactly how I am supposed to feel.  I ache here and there.  Shoulders, ribs, sternum.  All the places you'd expect I guess.  It's not a constant, some days are better then others.  I have to wonder as one lays out cold and they cut your chest open, then break your sternum in half to do the surgery where they put everything.  Where are your arms?  Where are the doctors resting their hands as they do the fine surgery?  How is my head/neck positioned?  Maybe I'll ask him when I go for my check up on Wed.

I've probably got about 10 scripts.  All pretty much are telling that I've had heart surgery.  One of the things you are told not to do is apply pressure of more then 5-10 pounds with my arms.  No major lifting, pushing or pulling.  So explain to me why the pharmacist puts all my meds in a container with a child proof cap?  I cannot open one of them!   I'm pretty independent, hate being a burden, and damn having to have someone open my meds drives me nuts.

Yesterday the temps were in the mid 60's.. in Buffalo?  In November?  Almost unheard of.  My son came by with a different pair of shoes for me and he took me for a walk.  We didn't go far, but the fresh air was great.  I am amazed at how tired I get from such little activity.  A shower is hard work.  I guess it is getting better day to day but still..........

I've tried to stop by here and there.  Know I'm thinking of you all... I appreciate you all understanding and hanging with me during this time.  Not sure exactly when I will get home, maybe the end of next week..  so in the meantime no pictures... or not yet anyway.

Hugs
~d

~ Short and Sweet ~

I have so much I could say, and no doubt will in the coming weeks.  Might even share some pictures of my Frankenstein like chest.  Yeah, you know, those nah sayers.  Pttuuee much more important things to worry about in life.

I did want to come by real quick and thank everyone for the support, well wishes, and love.  It's appreciated.  So very much appreciated.  The short of it....  I went to my sisters on Halloween to get pics of Bug and Gage.... a sweet pirate and pretty guesome skeleton.  A HillBilly was there along with the green giant and Elvis.  Yes I swear this was all BEFORE going to the hospital. 

I left somewhat early thinking I would work on the pictures and post, but I just didn't feel right.  Indigestion.  I burped and got relief so nothing out of the ordinary to think it wasn't.  Not right then.  It just got worse and different things hurt.  I told my sister she needed to take me to ER, something was very very wrong. 

Things went rather quickly from there.  Nothing like showing up saying you feel like you're having a heart attack and your heart beat is over 150 a minute.  Many many tests, and it was determined by the enzimes that I infact had a heart attack.  We thought it would be as simple as a stint being put in.  Not my luck.  I had triple bypass and to be very frank and honest I am very lucky to be here today.

My Dr's were great.  My heart surgeon, one of the best.  When he came out after surgery and met with my family he asked by show of hands who smoked.  Some raised their hands, and he stated 'good, you'll keep me in business.'   Some may not find that funny but I do.  Straight forward and to the point.  And so very true.

I remember bits and pieces and will elaborate more at a later time, but let me tell you I don't know what I did so good to deserve a son like I have, but damn straight I am lucky.  He stood up and batted the ball out of the park.  I will always remember the look on his face, the tears, and him telling me 'Mom, I still need you.'  That will keep me plowing forward and changing the things I need to change.

Love you all, and again thank you so much for all the support and love you've shown.  It's gonna be awhile and I am taking it easy.............. rest assured YOU WILL see those halloween shots... and some comparisons between the new and old camera.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and one more thing...  I came back on line this weekend to over 500 pieces of mail.  A ton just got deleted, so if you sent something that needed a reply please email again.   One mail I did see though was from Vish....   they did get my journal over here.  I have the link but have not really gone to see what actually came and what didn't.  All in do time.

Hugs
~d